reasonal

You're happy.

2009-10-08T16:39:00.001-07:00

Don't bother reading. It became a rant journal.

I can see you're happy. I'm so glad for you. You're a freaking pedophile though. Pathetic. Here I am complaining when I should just go and fucking end myself. I get so tired of waking up in the morning. And yet here I am.

How do suicidal people do it?

There are plenty of psychologists that say why it happened. And everyone else reasons that the person was just lonely. That s/he had no one to talk to. And you know what. Suicide is so selfish, that that's why the Catholic bible says you go to hell.

You know what? I'm the most fucking selfish asshole out there. I'm so full of pessimism and I keep acting like I'm not. I say I'm super optimistic. I say I care about everyone. I say I love all people. I say all these fucking lies. But you know what? It's because I'm selfish. I want everyone to think I'm selfless. I want everyone to think I'm good. I WANT everyone to say I was so full of wonderful things. And when I fucking off, haha. Fuck you all for being there.

I have a counselor. I have friends. I have so much going for me. But I don't have a reason. I'm wasting precious air for a fucking reason.

I will not have children or get married. I know it. Because I'm stuck like this. And I know what you're thinking. "Grow the fuck up" or perhaps "What a fucking downer, cheer up." Go for it. Say it, cause it makes suicidal bastards like me wanna off even more.

Say I need help. I don't care. Because I'm growing so tired. Tired of losing friends. Tired of losing what I want. I'm a fucking downer. God, please kill me. Burning in hell.

sorry

2009-09-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

Andy, I'm sorry. I can't say this any other way. But I don't know what to do anymore. Don't worry about replying. Don't worry about anything.

I'll let you go now, okay?

It feels like we're through. Like we can't go back to the way things were. I wish I could ask you if I can hold your hand. I wish I could ask you if I could hold you. But I don't want to make things awkward. I don't want to scare you away anymore. And I don't want to make you uncomfortable. There's so much I wish I could do. And I regret having blowing up at you because now you're not the same. You don't see me anymore. Or at least, it feel like it.

I'm not your star anymore.
And I guess you're moving on already.

I'm not okay. And I'm trying to get over everything because it feels like I'm never going to have the same Andy see me as I am. I don't want to let you go. I don't want to stop our friendship. I don't want to be just another fleeting memory. But I want what's best for you.

It's only now that I realize that I like you. But it's too late right?

We just got through a bunch of drama, but here I am possibly creating more. I hate it, I honestly do. But what can I do? It's not the same. It'll never be the same. You don't like me anymore. Not like there's anything to like about me, but still.

Please. I'm tired of feeling depressed waiting for your call. I know you don't miss me. I know you don't miss talking to me. You could have any girl you want. And I'm not what you want anymore.

I don't want to let you go. I want to keep hoping. I want to keep trying. But it's a fleeting right? You may never see me as the Lynn you liked.

Here you are calling me. I don't know what to do.

-I couldn't send this. Because it hurt too much.

three seconds: pista sa nayon

2009-07-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

( : went to pista sa nayon yesterday and performed with payo. unfortunately no pictures were taken with the group. but luckily i was able to get three sweet $5 tshirts. not bad in my opinion. but now that im home and somewhat free from my swamped schedule i have to work on art for work & commissions hahahaha~

2.5 seconds: picture error

2009-07-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

So just realized the pictures posted for whipped cream got screwed over. My bad! So I'll repost them here and hopefully they won't show up messed up like they did. ( x

1: Preston taking a picture of the women in front of the KWA food stand at Ethnic Fest.
2: Preston & Leighton enjoying the whipped cream.
3: Preston wanted a fullbody pose eating the whipped cream in front of Borders.
4: Preston through the window eating whipped cream.

two seconds: whipped cream

2009-07-25T23:53:00.000-07:00

Today there was a performance and it was a lot of work. We had a whole program and everything. We even got our new blue tshirts. Pretty sweet for a hot day. Other than that Vance, Preston, Leighton, & I went to the mall to hang out. It was a total blast of Filipino fun.

We went through the mall and got $.50 cones & $1 sweet teas, my treat. Then we proceeded to check out blood pressure. I'm just above normal into prehypertension, boy that sucks. Though mother and I had a fit about what I wear, I ended up in a cute skirt, go figure.

After the mall we went to dollar tree to get snacks. One of the snacks included Preston's whipped cream. Haha and outside of borders was just hilarious.

Pictures from a damn razr, and yeah that's my best friend Preston. Trust me, it was funnier when I was getting the whipped cream in my mouth.

one second

2009-07-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

nothing important for now. importance is evident.
mapping the human soul outside of the online status.

"I’m sure you have been in love. Spent all your money on your anniversary. Apologized even when you didn’t do anything wrong. Spent entire days writing love letters. Pushed back promises with your family. Prayed to God for that persons health. Ignored your friends. Missed them. Guarded their leaving figure."

-epik high's "love love love"

have a nice day, and go outside.